I am groot~
The first movie of Guardians of the Galaxy was absolutely amazingly adorable, so how could I bare to miss the second sequel! And not to mention there’s a free baby groot toy that comes with purchase of two tickets, while stocks last (I was pretty sure I couldn’t get one because I didn’t buy my tickets in advance).
The movie starts on earth, a young couple strolls to the woods behind Dairy Queen, where the guy shows off how his weird looking plant was able to take root on the soils of earth. The girl doesn’t understand his mumbo jumbo, but she sure likes hearing it and they smooch.
20 years later in 2014, renowned Guardians of the Galaxy (GotG), Peter Quill aka Star Lord (Chris Pratt), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Drax (Dave Bautista), Rocket (Bradley Cooper), and baby Groot (Vin Diesel), have been hired by the Sovereign race to protect some expensive batteries from Abilisk, an interdimensional space monster with tentacles. Peter and Drax are preparing for the battle, as Gamora cocks her rifle, and Peter baffled responds “I thought swords were your thing, and guns were mine, I guess we’re both doing guns now, I just didn’t know that”.
Rocket: [Teasing Drax who is not wearing any armor,cause it hurts his nipples] oh, my nipples hurt,oh goodness me.
Meanwhile, Rocket is busy fixing up some amplifiers instead of preparing for battle, “for the sake of Peter” and when Drax couldn’t help but catch him furiously trying to wink his left eye, “I see you winking at him”, Rocket says “Aww! I’m winking the wrong eye again, aren’t I”. Abilisk crashes in on their stage, and the GotG start battling it. Baby Groot picks up the two leads of the amplifier and connects them, as mixtape starts playing some groove “Mr Blue Sky” which a very adorably cute Baby Groot starts dancing to, despite the battle ensuing. Baby Groot waves at Gamora as she runs towards the Abilisk, in which Gamora says “Hi!”.
Gamora: [in gunfight] Groot! Get out of the way, you’re gonna get hurt!
[Groot waves at her]
Gamora: [beaming] Hi!
Drax is worried about Baby Groot’s safety and tells him to hide although his words fall on deaf ears as Baby Groot is so lost in the music. Finally, Drax gets beaten back and falls on the amps, ceasing the music, which a dismayed baby Groot tries to slap him.
Eventually, Drax announces: The beast’s hide is too thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside! (in which he launches himself at the beast’s mouth and gets swallowed, despite Gamora’s protests)
Peter Quill: What is he doing?!
Gamora: He said the skin is too thick to be pierced from the outside so he…
Peter Quill: That doesn’t make any sense!
Gamora: I tried telling him that!
Peter Quill: The skin is the same level of thickness from the inside as from the outside!
Gamora: I realize that!
And Drax is desperately trying to stab through the beasts skin from the inside. Peter sees a cut on the beast’s neck and tells Rocket to lead the monster to look up as they all aim for the cut. Gamora’s rifle is out of bullets and she throws them aside and unsheaths her trusty sword as she slices the beast open, freeing Drax who victoriously shouts “I single handedly vanquished the beast!!”.
The GotG reports back to the Ayesha of the Sovereign, and they receive Nebula who had been trying to steal the batteries, as a reward for their payment to take back to Xandar for the bounty on her. Nebula and Gamora eye each other with animosity, whilst Peter reminds them it’s a “family reunion”.
Nebula: [sneering] Look at you, a Garden of the Galaxy!
Gamora: It’s Guardian! Why would I be a Garden of the Galaxy?
Gamora relinquished any familial feelings towards Nebula and drags her out.
Ayesha: [to Quill] I would be interested in you giving lessons on your physicality, in private.
Rocket: You know, they told me that you people were conceited douchebags, but that isn’t true at all (furiously winks his “wrong eye”)
The gang walk out as Rocket shows a glimpse of the batteries he’s stolen to Drax. Back on the ship,
Drax: There are two types of beings on this universe, those who dance and those who do not
Peter: I get it, yes, I’m a dancer, and Gamora is not
Drax: You need to find a women who is pathetic, like you.
Peter: Thats weird, we got a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear
Gamora: Why would they do that?
Drax: Probably cause Rocket stole some of their batteries
Drax: Right…he didn’t steal some of those. I don’t know why they’re after us. What a mystery this is.
The sovereign drones start attacking, and Peter and Rocket fight over control as they steer the Milano through a wormhole to another planet.
Peter Quill: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you!
Rocket: It won’t be my turd it’ll be one of Drax’s
Drax: Haha!, Yes I have famously huge turds
[Star-Lord and Rocket squabble over piloting a ship, in the middle of a battle]
Rocket: You know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?
Peter Quill: I’m not gonna answer to “Star-Munch.”
Rocket: I did it because I wanted to! What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Drax: How little?
Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, kinda like this?
Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?
Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I’m sure he’d be much larger.
Peter Quill: Yeah, that’s how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
Rocket: DON’T CALL ME A RACCOON!
Peter Quill: I’m sorry, I took it too far. I meant “trash panda.”
[Rocket looks around in confusion]
Rocket: Is that better?
Drax: I don’t know.
Peter Quill: [snickering] It’s worse. It’s so much worse.
Gamora: Maybe this man could be your David Hasselhoff.
Peter Quill: [to Rocket] Are you trying to make everyone hate you? Because you’re doing it perfectly.
Yondu: Are you gonna listen to what I got to say?
Stakar Ogord: I don’t got to listen to nothing, you betrayed the code! Ravagers don’t deal in kids!
Yondu: I told you before, I didn’t know what was going on!
Stakar Ogord: You didn’t know, because you didn’t want to know, because it made you rich!
Stakar Ogord: [to Yondu] If you think I take pleasure in exiling you, you’re wrong. You broke all our hearts
Nebula: Not ripe yet.
Taserface: [to Yondu] You’re the one who killed those men by leading them down the wrong path because you’re weak and stupid! It’s time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory with a new captain: Taserface!
Rocket: I am so sorry. I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, start looking in the mirror and all seriously say to yourself. You know what would be a really kick-ass name, Taserface!
Rocket: [to Taserface] What was your first choice, Scrotumhead?
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: He hates hats.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: You see someone and think they have a weird head and then it just turns out part of their head is a hat.
Rocket: That’s why you don’t like hats?
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head, the next minute you realize part of that head is a hat. That’s why you don’t like hats?
Kraglin: What are you gonna do with your share?
Nebula: As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Everytime, my sister prevailed. My father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be “her equal.” But she won. Again, and again, and again, never once refraining. So, after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death, I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart, slowly. Piece by piece until he knows some sort of resemblance of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every single day!
Kraglin: Yeah… I was talking about like a pretty necklace, or a nice hat, you know. Something to make the other girls go “ooh, that’s nice.”
Yondu: [to Rocket] You idiot, the body can’t survive more than 50 space jumps – we’re about to make 700!
Astronaut: Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, at that time, I was a Federal Express man…
Ego: I created what I imagined biological life to be like. Down to the most minute detail.
Drax: Did you make a penis?
Peter Quill: Dude!
Gamora: What is wrong with you?
Drax: If he’s a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her.
Peter Quill: I don’t need to hear how my parents…
Drax: Why? My father would tell the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
Peter Quill: That’s disgusting.
Drax: It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups.
Ego: Yes, Drax, I got a penis.
Drax: Ha! Thank you.
Ego: And it’s not half bad.
Mantis: When I touch someone I can feel their feelings.
[touches Quill’s hand]
Mantis: You feel… love!
Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess – Yeah, I feel a general unselfish love for everyone.
Mantis: No. *Sexual* love…
Peter Quill: No. No, I don’t.
Mantis: [points at Gamora] … for her!
Peter Quill: No!
[Drax begins laughing hysterically]
Drax: She just told everyone you deepest, darkest secret!
[Drax continues laughing]
Peter Quill: Dude! Come on! I think you’re reacting a little bit!
Drax: You must be so embarrassed!
[continues cracking up]
Drax: Do me! Do me! Do me!
Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
Peter Quill: You read minds?
Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions.
Mantis: May I?
Peter Quill: Alright.
[Mantis touches Peter’s hand]
Mantis: You feel… love.
Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for…
Mantis: No. Romantic, sexual love.
Peter Quill: No, no. No, I don’t.
Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her.
Peter Quill: No! That is not…
Drax: [laughing hysterically] She just told everyone you’re deepest, darkest secret!
Peter Quill: Dude, come on! I think you’re overreacting a little bit.
Drax: [still laughing] You must be so embarrassed!
Drax: Do me! Do me, do me!
[Mantis touches Drax and she starts laughing hysterically]
Mantis: I’ve never felt such humor!
[Drax and Mantis are laughing and pointing at Peter]
Peter Quill: So unbelievably uncool.
[Mantis walks over to Gamora to touch her]
Gamora: Touch me, and the only thing you’re gonna feel is a broken jaw.
Mantis: [sees Rocket] I love that scruffy dog, he’s so cute I’m gonna die!
[Rocket snarls at Mantis]
Nebula: [to Gamora] You’re the one who wanted to win, but I just wanted a sister. You were all I had, but you just needed to win. Thanos pulled my eye from my head. He tore my brain from my skull, and my arm from my body… because of you!
Gamora: Nebula, I was a little girl, trying to live day by day, not knowing or understanding what that meant to you. There are many other girls out there, like us. You can stay with us, and help them.
Nebula: I can help them, by killing Thanos.
[sees a pile of bones]
Nebula: N We need to get the hell off this planet.
Ego: Death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
Peter Quill: I’m immortal?
Peter Quill: Really?
Ego: Yes. As long as the light exists.
Peter Quill: Like, I could use the light to build cool things, like how you made this whole planet?
Ego: Well, it might take a few million years of practice before you get really good at it, but yes.
Peter Quill: Well, get ready for a 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear…
Ego: Whatever you want.
Peter Quill: I’m gonna make some weird shit.
Ego: [singing to Looking Glass – Brandy You’re a Fine Girl] She works layin’ whiskey down; She serves them whiskey and wine, what a good wife you would be…
Ego: [Referencing Meredith Quill] I visited your mother three times. I knew if I visited a fourth, I would not leave. As much as it pained me to do it… I put that tumor in her head.
Peter: You shouldn’t have killed my mom and squished my walkman!
Rocket: (showing Groot how to arm the bomb) All right, first you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. (Points to a button) Then you push this button, that will give you five minutes to get outta there. (Points to next button) Now whatever you do, don’t push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we’ll all be dead. Now repeat what I just said.
Groot: I am groot
Groot: I am groot
Rocket: That’s right
Groot: (Points to the death button) I am groot
Rocket: Noooo! No that’s the button that will kill everyone, try again!
Groot: Hmm, I am groot
Groot: I am groot?
Groot: (Points to the death button) I am groot.
Rocket: No! That’s exactly what you just said, how is this even possible. Which button is the button you’re supposed to push, point to it! (Groot points to the death button)
Rocket: Nooo! Does anyone have tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the “death” button.
Peter: (Hanging by one arm and asking everyone one-by-one) Nobody has any tape!
Rocket: Not a single person has tape? (exasperated)
Peter: You have an atomic bomb in your bag, if anyone is gonna have tape, it’s you!
(Baby groot runs off with the bomb during their bickering)
Rocket: I have to do everything!
Peter: You are wasting a lot of time here!
Baby Groot: I…am…groot!!!
Rocket: That’s a really bad sign!
Kraglin: Um, Cap? Remember that Ayesha chick?
[a Sovereign fleet surrounds their ship]
Yondu: Aw, hell!
Rocket: You people have issues.
Peter Quill: Well of course I have issues, that’s my freaking father!
Rocket: Are we really saving the galaxy, again?
Peter Quill: Yeah.
Rocket: Great! We can jack up our prices if we’re two-time galaxy savers!
Ego: Listen to me! You are a god. If you kill me, you’ll be just like everybody else!
Peter Quill: What’s so wrong with that?
Yondu: I don’t use my head to fly the arrow boy, I use my heart.
Rocket: [knocks out Gamora] Sorry, I can only lose one friend today.
Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can’t fool me. I know who you are.”
Rocket: You don’t know anything about me, loser.
Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like you’re the meanest in the heart but actually you’re the most scared of all.
Peter: You look like Mary Poppins (Yondu is hanging onto his arrow floating down)
Yondu: Is he cool?
Peter: Hell yeah, he’s cool
Yondu: I’m Mary Poppins y’all!
Baby Groot: I am groot
Yondu: What’s that?
Rocket: He says “Welcome to the frickin’ Guardians of the Galaxy”, only he didn’t use “frickin”
Mantis: It’s beautiful
Drax: It is. And so are you (pause)… On the inside
Nebula: [to Gamora] All you do is yell at each other. You’re not friends.
Drax: No… We are family.
[All the Ravagers give tribute to Yondu]
Martinex: [to Stakar] He didn’t let us down, did he?
Stakar Ogord: No, he didn’t.
Charlie-27: Farewell, old friend.
Aleta Ogord: Yondu Odonta, we salute you.
===== Extra Scenes =====
Astronaut: Hey, fellas. Hey, wait. Where ya going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get outta here? Hey! Aw gee. I’ve got so many more stories to tell. Oh, guys. Aw gee
Ayesha: That, my child, is the next step in our evolution. More powerful, more beautiful – more capable of destroying the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think I shall call him… Adam.